I was listening to an old Oprah show on my car radio the other day and heard a very wise woman (I did not catch her name) say, “You don’t have to settle for just an OK marriage.” Pop, her words released a gush of guilt and shame… like a water balloon hitting an asphalt driveway on a summer’s day.
February 16th marked my 7th year being divorced, and so I continue to be surprised when I find myself letting go of yet another pesky layer. I don’t realize it’s still clinging to me, like a cob web unnoticed, in a crevice of my being. And then unexpectedly there is a poke, sometimes a jab, that produces a revelation, and another glorious layer of that old story gets sloughed off making me feel lighter and more connected to my greater Self. What I am reminded of, yet again, when I just want to be done with this big ole pile of divorce, is that it is my PROCESS. It is my teacher, and I am its student. It’s not even about the “divorce” really, it’s about me and how I choose to be in relationship with myself and others. Divorce is just a word. We give the word divorce too much power. To digress for just a moment (my ADD self can’t help itself) WHAT IS UP with forms that ask to check the appropriate box to describe your status; single, married or divorced? They might as well put, Single – Married or Failed, right? From now on I am going to check the single box! Are you with me?
Back on topic, in this statement, “You don’t have to settle for just an OK marriage.” I realized that I was still carrying around shame and guilt for ending, “Just an OK marriage.” There were several people in my life at that time, family members and friends, that thought I was making a huge mistake. A common theme in the unsolicited advice was, “But he doesn’t abuse you, he is a great provider, what about the kids, the farm is so beautiful,” and so on.
But… I wanted more.
I dare to want the fully expressed, fully permissioned, engaged, ever-present, imperfect, challenging, worth fighting for, bleeding for, giving, forgiving, funny, silly, loving, madly in love, at love, with love, for love, passionate, romantic, conscious, committed, fierce, courageous, hysterical, respectful, responsible, daring, transparent, authentic, tender, tenacious, loyal hearted, lustful, raw, to show up and dance, to stay no matter what, playfilled, adventurous, nurturing, sensual, and last but not least, messy partnership. I WANT IT ALL!
There I’ve said it, OUT LOUD.
And some of you may be thinking I am asking far too much, it’s unrealistic, you can’t expect that much, your out of your bloody mind, coo coo for coco puffs, your never going to find it… Your a dreamer.
And I say, “Yes, I am, and so what if I don’t?” At the very least, I am not willing to play small, to withhold from myself, and I do believe that relationships have the capacity to thrive within the confines our humanmess. So yes, I will, I will dare myself to want all of it. I’m not asking for the perfect partnership, I am asking for the “living life on purpose” partnership. I won’t settle for “OK” ever again, even if this means living without “the one.”
I am living such an extraordinary life without the “OK marriage.”
Oh, and one last thing to consider… what if I do… find the “ONE”… icing on my cake really.